Ahhhhhh...Motherhood

Ahhhhh....the not so joys of motherhood. A lot of days can be interesting....loud... messy.....and no matter how many times I take a deep breath the day continues to escalate until I hover on the fragile ledge of 'losing it', praying on my knees for those moments where the children are finally....officially asleep and relaxation surrounds me like my favourite blanket, allowing me to read a few pages from the current novel. It might sound overly dramatic but when I'm in the middle of it, that's exactly how I feel.

Don't get me wrong, I love my boys especially when they play together, talk brotherly talk and laugh but then I hear the screaming banshee cry like a referee signalling the beginning of the fight. Or the argument that ignites over who gets to push the wheelchair access buttons first at the bank or doctor's office buildings. Or the argument that ensues over who is getting dried off first after a bath. Or fighting over the same toy when they both possess the exact same toy.

Deep breath, just keep inhaling.....exhaling......inhaling......exhaling.

As you can see and read, I haven't added an entry in nearly two weeks. I find it a little bit depressing not being able to air out my viewpoint or put pen to page especially in that many days.

My excuse is allowing myself to get caught up in the rolling waves of life. I hate when I get swallowed up on the roller coaster. Amidst the rush of the day I do try to pay attention for signs or messages from the Universe.

A few signs came each day for close to a week, now though I'm experiencing that stifled, wheels spinning in a rut feeling again. Those are the moments I could do without.

Things seem to be moving forward slowly but moving forward just the same and then it stops. No more messages.....synchronicity. And then I feel forgotten..... unimportant......alone. Kind of like in the 'Footprints' poem. Even though I know that's crazy. I'm never alone. I keep trying to take tiny steps forward but since the messages stopped I wonder if I'm moving in the wrong direction. The lack of sleep isn't helping. Exercising is thisclose to being forgotten. When I'm exhausted the last thing I want to do is exercise. I don't want to listen to anybody tell me it will help. I'm too tired to hear you most days.

One thing that does help is writing and I certainly am missing it when my schedule doesn't allow it. There are days where there is calm until I sit down and gather my thoughts together and the screaming banshee announces the beginning of round one or my husband suddenly remembers who I am.

I keep telling myself...... Stay Focused. I need to stay focused despite the never ending distractions involved in my life. But the pep talk doesn't always work. Until the days, like today, when one of my sons is in school and my other son is down for a nap like now.

Seize the moment ...... to write and add this entry.

(This entry was finally typed 3 hours later than originally written because of said interruptions)