Feast or Famine

Do you ever notice sometimes that life is a roller coaster of feast or famine moments? That's my life right now. It's at a high point for a feast, well sort of, especially on the weekends. My different interests are suddenly happening all at once almost clashing or is it colliding. Either way it's a challenge.

I'm finding motherhood can be an obstacle when other things I feel passionate about conflict in schedule. I know there are some women who would jump all over me for saying such a thing but I know there are other women who can relate completely. I know because I watched a couple of episodes on Oprah on this exact topic.

Back to the point .... there are so many things I would love to get a lot more involved in but at the moment I am unable to because my children need me. I get told I have plenty of time in the future for all those things I'm interested in but do I? I learned a decade ago with my husband's passing that life is too short and to seize the moment. So who says I'm even granted another day, week, or year. That's my dilemma especially since any outside interests of mine are met with friction and guilt trips. That story is saved for another day, another entry. But right now, I can only take a deep breath and accept for the moment whatever interest I am allowed to take part in and hope it will change in the more recent future.

Forgiveness

I'm learning more and more with each passing day, month and year that holding onto a grudge can be deadly, literally. I'm a very loyal person and I expect it in return so when I get stabbed in the back especially by someone I considered a good friend, I shut down, cutting that person out of my life. Some things are just unforgivable. Plain and simple. But the only problem is I'm hanging onto it. It's literally stuck to me, weighing me down, eventually taking over my life, gradually leaving me sick. You're probably asking yourself 'Why would you do that?' Problem is we all do it. We all are hanging onto something from our past, something that hurt us, changing who we are. I can definitely agree with being changed by a friend's hurtfulness but even above and beyond that and not being able to let it go.
Always on guard, just in case it happens again. There's always that possibility especially when those people are part of my extended family.
So much was weighing me down because of their constant presence and I wasn't liking my moods anymore.
Things needed to change, exercising was one of them, as mentioned in my previous entry. Another was letting go of the hurtful memories because they weren't helping me. Releasing the built up frustration and the anger over the past is a blessing. Now remember just because I'm forgiving doesn't mean they are absolved of their karma for being hurtful, it means I let go so I don't lose myself in the pain any longer.
I started with Reiki.
I remembered afterwards a comment Louise Hay said on Oprah. Now I'm paraphrasing so bear with me. How we could be trying everything to move forward on a project, a relationship, something, anything but it just isn't happening. If that's the case maybe we need to look behind us and see if we need to forgive somebody.
That memory was a lightbulb moment.
There's where I was stuck in the muck of bitter resentment. And I don't like carrying the load anymore.
One minute at a time, one day at a time, I will drop this load. It's too heavy and I want to be happy again.